Denmark is a little country, roughly the size of your backyard. While it was once the birthplace of the mighty Vikings, it has long shed its reputation of pillaging and plundering. It has transformed itself into a mild mannered nation-state.
Picture this: No man eating sharks swim its waters. No dangerous insects crawl on its floors. Its only venomous snake is extremely rare and itself is categorized as "generally timid; not aggressive." The largest predator is a fox, which is about the size of a Jack Russell Terrier. It's people are as equally well behaved. The Danes are a gentle breed of people. They enjoy nice gardens and quiet dinner parties.
A Ducati Monster S4 with full Termignoni exhaust is a silly motorcycle. It's as gentle as a tornado full of Honey Badgers. Even chugging along at the speed limit, the thing sounds like a six thousand pound tiger throwing up after a night of binge drinking and fist fighting. While you and I would pay money to hear a tiger like that make that noise, the people of Denmark get it for free.
The Danes react with surprise and gawk at the audacity of it all. "Who dares disturb our tea?" I can feel them say. The thing insults about all of Denmark's sensibilites. A trail of frowns follow the ridiculous Italian motorcycle everywhere it goes, leaving a wake of disappointed adults and wide-eyed children. Riding this Monster through the streets of tiny Denmark is like farting at the Queen's dinner table. It might not be proper, but boy is it funny.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
You = Ugly. You + my idea = SUPER AWESOME
Lets say that you got kicked in the face by a horse. Not just any horse, but a big one. The biggest one. You know what, forget a horse, let's use a full blown rhinoceros. Ok, you got kicked in the face by a giant rhino and your nose is where your left eye should be, your lips are inside out, and your teeth are all backwards. Since we all know that rhinos are venomous, you've also developed a hideous eye infection in your one good eye. Needless to say, women love good facial geometry, so you're going to have problems collecting phone numbers at the bar.
I do have a solution though!
1.) Buy yourself a sweet motorcycle.
2.) A plain black helmet (no stupid graphics or mohawks, unless you want to pick up fat chicks who listen to Insane Clown Posse.)
3.) A well fitting jacket. (no stupid tribal designs if you value success.)
4.) Pants + Boots.
After all the ingredients are assembled, get on your bike and ride down the highway. When you see a lovely girl next to you, blow a kiss to her and give her a little wave. You'll notice a shy smile and a wave back. SUCCESS! You just made her day, and you are super awesome. You can do this all day.
It doesn't work in a car because girls can see what you look like, they can see your physical aberrations. On top of that girls are trained from day one never to turn and look at a guy who is driving, because they are just rewarded with some rude gesture from an unattractive male. On a bike however, they respond much better. Bikes are dangerous and exciting, even a bit romantic. The fool on the bike could be anyone, so to the girl, she's imagining you as the hottest guy in the world. As long as you maintain your ugly, rhino-modified face in that helmet, you'll be that Cassanova your mom always said you were.
I do have a solution though!
1.) Buy yourself a sweet motorcycle.
2.) A plain black helmet (no stupid graphics or mohawks, unless you want to pick up fat chicks who listen to Insane Clown Posse.)
3.) A well fitting jacket. (no stupid tribal designs if you value success.)
4.) Pants + Boots.
After all the ingredients are assembled, get on your bike and ride down the highway. When you see a lovely girl next to you, blow a kiss to her and give her a little wave. You'll notice a shy smile and a wave back. SUCCESS! You just made her day, and you are super awesome. You can do this all day.
It doesn't work in a car because girls can see what you look like, they can see your physical aberrations. On top of that girls are trained from day one never to turn and look at a guy who is driving, because they are just rewarded with some rude gesture from an unattractive male. On a bike however, they respond much better. Bikes are dangerous and exciting, even a bit romantic. The fool on the bike could be anyone, so to the girl, she's imagining you as the hottest guy in the world. As long as you maintain your ugly, rhino-modified face in that helmet, you'll be that Cassanova your mom always said you were.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
When I get punched in the face, it hurts. What say you Mr. BMW R1200GS ?
The BMW 1200GS is as elegant looking as a drunk hooker at a British tea party. Quite frankly, it’s ugly at every angle. Consider this: It was designed by Germans. The last time the Germans designed something beautiful was in 1888 and I’m not even sure what that thing was. Some motorcycles, however, like the MV Agusta F4RR, are awe inspiringly beautiful. Their lines, their curves, all flow together in harmony to create motorcycle perfection. Showing up to a party on an MV Agusta F4RR is like showing up at a dinner party on an Arabian horse. All your friends would think you were so charming, and that girl who has shunned every advance you've made earlier in the week will suddenly be willing. Showing up to a party on a BMW 1200GS on the other hand, is like showing up to a party saddled-up on the back of a tyrannosaurus rex with lasers attached to its sides and pet falcons to stab people's eyes out. Sure, you won’t get the girl, but boy would you be the coolest person in the world.
In 2009, damn near one in three motorcycles sold by BMW were 1200gs and 1200gsa models. So when BMW decided to update its coolest bike for 2010, it decided not to change much, but simply gave it bigger muscles. Double camshafts and bigger valves up the power a small bit to 110hp, a 5hp increase. Can you feel the difference between the 2009 and the 2010 engines? Well, it depends. When you're stuck in the mud in Namibia, or going over washboard dirt roads in Bolivia, you're really not caring or noticing the 5hp. The only time you would is if you're riding on the silky smooth roads in Florida, but in that case you're on the wrong bike. There are many motorcycles that are a much better choice for the black stuff.
If you've ever seen a 1200gs in person, you'll no doubt notice how gargantuan the thing is. It looks like it was made for the Colossus of Rhodes. I'm 6ft tall and my legs are as long and as attractive as any man's legs have a right to be, and I'm having a hard time climbing onto that thing. You do need a bit of a speed and a hop to swing a leg over it. I brought a friend with me of average 5'8" height to a BMW dealership and he couldn't touch both feet to the ground on the GSA that stood in the showroom. He quite literally looked like a male dog lifting his leg to have a pee. I, on the other hand, was able to tip toe both feet, but I had to crush my nards to get it to happen.
So we know the 1200GS is cool, and we know it's big, but how is it like to drive? On the go, the bike doesn't fully shed its size. It still carries the sensation that it's a substantial piece of machinery. This thing seems to have been designed more for invading Poland than for everyday jaunts to your local hippie/communist coffee house. It is a bit hard to maneuver at slow speeds, but it rides nice enough once the speed is above 15mph. There have been better machines made for highway riding, but the GS1200S is not that bad. You sit comfortably in it, your lower body is in a very natural position, your knees aren't cramped, your lower back and neck aren't stressed, and your arms land on the grips in a very comfortable position. Even armed with the first hand sensation of sitting on one, you can't help but feel that it's still not quite as good as the other bikes designed for that purpose. It is absolutely no secret that there are a million bikes that are significantly better for dirt riding. Compared to anything dirt related, the 1200gs is just too big. Compared to a street bike though, it's quite competent. so in the grand scheme of things I would say it was sort of ok in the dirt. I mean "sort of" because if you drop one, you'll need a forklift and a tow truck to get it back upright. In all seriousness, a man of above average strength COULD do it on hard ground by himself, but he'll really be straining. If it's in deep mud, or if it's at the wrong angle, then you will need a friend to help you, and that's the truth.
At this point, you might be wondering "so what's the point?" It isn't the best pavement touring bike, it surely isn't the best dirt bike due to its weight, so then, why? why buy one? Well my friends, let me tell you, there is absolutely no bike on the planet that can take a punch the way a 1200gs can. You can crash it all day long and it'll keep going. Drive it into a river. Crash it into a boulder. Drop it on gravel 600 times, it doesn't matter what you do, there is no other bike that could possibly take a beating the way this one can. If you want to ride across the planet to somewhere remote and inhospitable, and you want to come back, you take a 1200GS. If you didn't you're probably walking home, and you're a mouth breather.
While I would love to end this review here, I can already feel the hate mail coming. Sure, you could have ridden a DR650 or a KLR650, but when you get back from Swaziland, you still have to live with it. The KLR is about as cool as farting on your first date.
The Good:
-SUPER COOL
-Reliable
-Takes a punch
-Not too shabby while cruising
The Bad:
-It's fat
-It's fat
-It's fat
-It's fat
-It's expensive
In 2009, damn near one in three motorcycles sold by BMW were 1200gs and 1200gsa models. So when BMW decided to update its coolest bike for 2010, it decided not to change much, but simply gave it bigger muscles. Double camshafts and bigger valves up the power a small bit to 110hp, a 5hp increase. Can you feel the difference between the 2009 and the 2010 engines? Well, it depends. When you're stuck in the mud in Namibia, or going over washboard dirt roads in Bolivia, you're really not caring or noticing the 5hp. The only time you would is if you're riding on the silky smooth roads in Florida, but in that case you're on the wrong bike. There are many motorcycles that are a much better choice for the black stuff.
If you've ever seen a 1200gs in person, you'll no doubt notice how gargantuan the thing is. It looks like it was made for the Colossus of Rhodes. I'm 6ft tall and my legs are as long and as attractive as any man's legs have a right to be, and I'm having a hard time climbing onto that thing. You do need a bit of a speed and a hop to swing a leg over it. I brought a friend with me of average 5'8" height to a BMW dealership and he couldn't touch both feet to the ground on the GSA that stood in the showroom. He quite literally looked like a male dog lifting his leg to have a pee. I, on the other hand, was able to tip toe both feet, but I had to crush my nards to get it to happen.
So we know the 1200GS is cool, and we know it's big, but how is it like to drive? On the go, the bike doesn't fully shed its size. It still carries the sensation that it's a substantial piece of machinery. This thing seems to have been designed more for invading Poland than for everyday jaunts to your local hippie/communist coffee house. It is a bit hard to maneuver at slow speeds, but it rides nice enough once the speed is above 15mph. There have been better machines made for highway riding, but the GS1200S is not that bad. You sit comfortably in it, your lower body is in a very natural position, your knees aren't cramped, your lower back and neck aren't stressed, and your arms land on the grips in a very comfortable position. Even armed with the first hand sensation of sitting on one, you can't help but feel that it's still not quite as good as the other bikes designed for that purpose. It is absolutely no secret that there are a million bikes that are significantly better for dirt riding. Compared to anything dirt related, the 1200gs is just too big. Compared to a street bike though, it's quite competent. so in the grand scheme of things I would say it was sort of ok in the dirt. I mean "sort of" because if you drop one, you'll need a forklift and a tow truck to get it back upright. In all seriousness, a man of above average strength COULD do it on hard ground by himself, but he'll really be straining. If it's in deep mud, or if it's at the wrong angle, then you will need a friend to help you, and that's the truth.
At this point, you might be wondering "so what's the point?" It isn't the best pavement touring bike, it surely isn't the best dirt bike due to its weight, so then, why? why buy one? Well my friends, let me tell you, there is absolutely no bike on the planet that can take a punch the way a 1200gs can. You can crash it all day long and it'll keep going. Drive it into a river. Crash it into a boulder. Drop it on gravel 600 times, it doesn't matter what you do, there is no other bike that could possibly take a beating the way this one can. If you want to ride across the planet to somewhere remote and inhospitable, and you want to come back, you take a 1200GS. If you didn't you're probably walking home, and you're a mouth breather.
While I would love to end this review here, I can already feel the hate mail coming. Sure, you could have ridden a DR650 or a KLR650, but when you get back from Swaziland, you still have to live with it. The KLR is about as cool as farting on your first date.
The Good:
-SUPER COOL
-Reliable
-Takes a punch
-Not too shabby while cruising
The Bad:
-It's fat
-It's fat
-It's fat
-It's fat
-It's expensive
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I hate your opinion, and now I hate you
The last guy who derided a product I bought met a terrible fate. I threw my keys at his groin and scratched his face with my nails. Seriously, I don't play around. "Call me an idiot again!" I yelled, as I pulled his hair. Afterwards I called his boss to demand to have him fired. Later I called his mother and told her that her boy wasn't very smart. Then I told him I would cancel my subscription to his magazine and that I would never purchase any product that even rhymed with his name.
We tend to take criticism of our products personally. We're completely embarrassed when anyone even gives a negative opinion of even the most mundane items we purchase. Just yesterday I saw that my neighbor bought a used 1999 Mustang V6. I walked over as he stood back admiring his car, put my hands on my waist and said "I heard that a blender crushing a bag of ice was smoother than the engine in these cars." What I thought was an innocent comment aimed at educating him led to frustration as I came home from work the next day to find my beloved dog shaved bald.
I know from personal experience that I can't handle it when someone points out that my Oral B 2000x SuperTooth Hero is no longer the best toothbrush on the market. I remember crying profusely when someone criticized the soap I used in my guest bathroom (I don't have a guest bathroom, everyone has to pee in the same place I do... suckers.) Many of us really feel like fools when someone claims the product we purchased isn't spectacular. We begin to get defensive, and then lash out. Usually with strong words and clapperclaw.
Such are the risks that you take when you review a product. Say the wrong thing about a particular brand of tampons and you'll have 26lbs of hate mail the next day from angry and unpleasant women telling you about how Kotex saves baby unicorns in Africa.
I'm willing to bet a testicle that Motorcyclists are the worst, by a large margin. Is it because motorcycle people are intolerant fools, or is it because they've been raised that way? Nature? Nurture? Which is it? When you buy a motorcycle magazine, you can't help but notice that the reviews are essentially a press release. Not only do magazine companies have to fear the wrath of readers threatening to cancel their subscriptions if they say anything bad about their particular motorcycle, the magazine also risks losing that manufacturer as a sponsor. Worse is losing out on being offered test bikes or attending product launches, if you don't test a bike, what are you going to write about? In light of this, any criticism, even if it's the truth is just bad business. Unfortunately this creates boring journalism. It's as if publications are typing with one hand while sticking their other hand down the front of the pants of the manufacturers. The readers are the ones who suffer, even though they don't even know they're being duped.
I have no such restrictions, and I rather enjoy people lobbing their keys at my boyhood. I'll be your shining light and your most hated foe. Just keep your opinions to yourself because I'll of course hate you for them.
We tend to take criticism of our products personally. We're completely embarrassed when anyone even gives a negative opinion of even the most mundane items we purchase. Just yesterday I saw that my neighbor bought a used 1999 Mustang V6. I walked over as he stood back admiring his car, put my hands on my waist and said "I heard that a blender crushing a bag of ice was smoother than the engine in these cars." What I thought was an innocent comment aimed at educating him led to frustration as I came home from work the next day to find my beloved dog shaved bald.
I know from personal experience that I can't handle it when someone points out that my Oral B 2000x SuperTooth Hero is no longer the best toothbrush on the market. I remember crying profusely when someone criticized the soap I used in my guest bathroom (I don't have a guest bathroom, everyone has to pee in the same place I do... suckers.) Many of us really feel like fools when someone claims the product we purchased isn't spectacular. We begin to get defensive, and then lash out. Usually with strong words and clapperclaw.
Such are the risks that you take when you review a product. Say the wrong thing about a particular brand of tampons and you'll have 26lbs of hate mail the next day from angry and unpleasant women telling you about how Kotex saves baby unicorns in Africa.
I'm willing to bet a testicle that Motorcyclists are the worst, by a large margin. Is it because motorcycle people are intolerant fools, or is it because they've been raised that way? Nature? Nurture? Which is it? When you buy a motorcycle magazine, you can't help but notice that the reviews are essentially a press release. Not only do magazine companies have to fear the wrath of readers threatening to cancel their subscriptions if they say anything bad about their particular motorcycle, the magazine also risks losing that manufacturer as a sponsor. Worse is losing out on being offered test bikes or attending product launches, if you don't test a bike, what are you going to write about? In light of this, any criticism, even if it's the truth is just bad business. Unfortunately this creates boring journalism. It's as if publications are typing with one hand while sticking their other hand down the front of the pants of the manufacturers. The readers are the ones who suffer, even though they don't even know they're being duped.
I have no such restrictions, and I rather enjoy people lobbing their keys at my boyhood. I'll be your shining light and your most hated foe. Just keep your opinions to yourself because I'll of course hate you for them.
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